This question is asked very frequently using Google search, and it led people to the portal Moldova Creștină and this made me suppose that there are many women who face this difficult situation when husbands avoid sexual relations with them. At the same time, I suppose that there are many other women who face this problem, but don’t dare share this. In this article I want to present some possible reasons that can make a man run away from the duty to have sexual relations with his wife.
1. The husband doesn’t realize that this is a marriage duty
Marriage is a holy covenant made between a man and a woman before God. Almighty God watches over this covenant and how the sides fulfill these responsibilities. Here it is why Apostle Paul wrote this way:
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3–5)(NASB)
Because today people do not go to church, do not read the Bible and do not study the Word of God, that’s why, they don’t realize and don’t know that having sexual relations with the partner of marriage is a holy duty. I am sure that many of those who will read this article are surprised to know that this is written in the Holy Scriptures and that this is an order set by God.
2. This is a revenge method
Sometimes the husband revenges himself for some things choosing to avoid having sexual relations. But this bad method is also used by many unwise women, who bring great future problems upon them.
3. This is a manipulation method
Manipulation is when people create some situations and circumstances through which they make another person do something that is against the will of that person. In every marriage, one of the partners is more passionate by the sexual relation than the other one. In this way, it happens that the one who is less passionate applies this manipulation method, to manipulate the other one make things that are against his/her will. Manipulation of any kind is bad, but when one spouse uses sexual relation for this purpose, hurting the marriage partner in this way, he/she will have great wounds in future for sure.
4. Maybe the husband is embittered…
In the Epistle of Paul to Corinthians, Apostle Paul wrote this advice to men:
Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. (Collosians 3:19)(NASB)
To be embittered means to contemplate continually on something unpleasant that your wife did to you, and that’s why, you do not forgive her. You can not live with such an attitude in marriage, no matter what happened. To not be embittered, you have to forgive, to forgive it all. And unless you forgive your marriage partner, you can not be freed of this bitterness that binds your heart with chains that chase the joy from you. This is a reason why some men do not want to have sexual relations, because the bitterness from their heart annihilates any sexual desire for his wife. One more important thing. Usually bitterness remains in the heart when a conflict hasn’t been solved to the end, or when someone doesn’t want to ask for forgiveness. So that you may not realize that your marriage husband is embittered against you, be sure you ask for forgiveness in time. And we, men, don’t have to forget that this commandment was given in Scriptures for a reason – we are more vulnerable and inclined to be embittered in our hearts. Let us beware of this dangerous state and attitude, that affects our sexual life in marriage and every day relations we have with those we love and care.
5. The husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore
As the time is passing by, all of us change and, unfortunately, when we are in our forties, we don’t look like we were in our twenties. A wise man has to know how to admire his wife and to save his passion directed only to her. Wise Solomon teaches in the Book of Proverbs all married men these things:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. (Proverbs of Solomon 5:18–19)(NASB)
There is one more aspect here. A wise wife will know and will learn how to be attractive for her husband all the days of her life and to make him “be exhilarated always with her love.”
6. Possible potence problems
Impotence is the inability of a man to initiate or to have sexual relation with his wife to the end. This can be caused by psychological or organic reasons. No matter what these causes are, they can not be known until the husband goes to a competent doctor. Unfortunately, men are afraid to get this diagnosis and some of them are more likely to avoid sexual relations with the wife then to go to the doctor. And there is one more thing. If a wife mentions directly or indirectly that she doesn’t like or she doubts about her husband’s sexual ability, this can affect gravely the self-esteem of the man and can provoke impotence at a psychological level, or can provoke even greater consequences. Men need so much to hear appreciation words from their wives for the quality of given love.
7. The husband lacks the initiative
Since the creation of the world, God set that the initiative has to come from man:
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)(NASB)
Unfortunately, our society encourages women to take the initiative and discourages men to be men of initiative. This is reflected later in marriage, when the husband waits for the wife to come with initiatives, to make decisions, to keep the house, etc. A wise woman will appreciate always and will encourage the good initiatives of her husband and she will never disconsider his invitation to make love. I remember how a women came to me once to ask my advice. She had recently come to God and she was in divorce suit because her husband had gone to another woman. She told me with tears in her eyes that when they had just got married her husband had asked her to have sexual relations with her often, but she had refused him invoking different reasons. So, shortly after, he had gone abroad to work and met another woman there. This is not a justification for him, but maybe if that woman had answered wisely the initiatives of her husband, and if she had appreciated him, they could have lived together up to this day. As a matter of fact, there are many couples that stay together, but who are not one and don’t have passion for each other, because the wife has rejected always the initiatives of her husband.
8. Imposing an exaggerated control
God says in His Word:
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (1 Corinthians 7:4)(NASB)
When one of the partners begins to impose his/her rules in bed and disconsiders the desires of the husband or wife, this will mean the imposing of an exaggerated control and it will bring frustration, quarrel, it will destroy the passion and it will finally lead to the cooling of the relation. Do not be surprised that the husband will avoid to have sexual relations with you.
9. Passing through crisis
Worries and tiredness affect the sexual desire of a person a lot. Maybe your husband has some problems at work that make him exceedingly worried. Maybe you know or don’t know these problems. There are many wives that don’t care at all and are never interested in the problems of the husband, in his success and this is neither good nor right. Try to understand what problems or worries your husband has and how you can help him pass over them. This will reestablish your sexual relation too and it can be even more beautiful than it has been before.
The most grave is when you marriage partner committed adultery or, maybe he hasn’t yet, but let his passions be directed towards another person. The Word of God says:
For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray. (Proverbs of Solomon 5:20–23)(NASB)
Since the husband or the wife begins to be exhilarated with another person, he or she will not have the same passion for the marriage partner and will try to avoid all situations to have sexual relations.
As you see, there are many reasons why the husband avoids sexual relations. Don’t be quick to think at the worst cause, but try to understand the reasons of this excuse. You can not take correct actions until you do not know the correct motives. Later I will write another article to explain “How to act when the husband avoids sexual relations?”
Translated by Felicia Djugostran