I am married for eight years and have a baby. During the entire marriage I turned my husband’s life into a hell, I humiliated and insulted him and his parents as I could. He has loved me for all these years, but now I feel he is remote, I suspect him for all possible sins and I die in pain since I realize how much I was wrong. I apologized, but I fear that is not enough. I have suicidal thoughts. He tells me he loves me but I don’t believe him, how can he love me? I do not know what to do, I can not concentrate, can not do anything, I feel like losing my mind. I can not live without him, he was the only man in my life. It destroys me when I think that my child will remain without a father because of me, and I have destroyed their lives. I always think at death and I know that it is a great sin, but I need help. My parents are wealthy, they bought us the apartment and everything we need, but I have always reminded him that his parents did not help us and were definitely against our marriage. After our engagement, being a virgin at 23 years, I have sinned with him and the wedding took place faster than it was planned. When I told him that I was pregnant he wanted me to miscarry, because he was scared of his parents, although we were engaged. I refused and I gave birth to an adorable child, but I always reminded him the idea of abortion. He deeply loves the child, whom we named Christian as Christ. Is what I feel now God’s punishment for everything I did? When will it end and what should I do?
1. Confess your sins
The fact that you wrote this letter and how you wrote shows that a great and good change took place in your heart, because you admit that you did wrong and are sorry for the evil you have done. The good news is that the hardest step that you had to do you’ve already done, because you confessed your mistake. Moreover, the biblical meaning of the word ”to confess” is to admit, to agree with the just charges you are brought.
2. Receive God’s forgiveness and enter the New Covenant with Jesus Christ
As you confessed your sin in this message, I urge you to kneel and confess it before God. Tell Him what you did and ask forgiveness for everything that burdens you. It is important to believe wholeheartedly God’s words that say:
If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. (1 John 1:8–10)(NASB)
If you confessed your sins, that means you believe the promise of God that says He forgave your sins and cleansed you from all unrighteousness. But it will not be enough to apologize to live a life of victory from now on. You must enter the New Covenant with Jesus Christ. Only so you become a child of God, you receive the Holy Spirit to live a life of victory and be able to overcome the depression you suffer. God will guide you through the Holy Spirit and the Scriptures on how to proceed to restore the relationship with your husband.
3. Ask forgiveness from your husband
You wrote that you’ve asked forgiveness from your husband and that you received his forgiveness. If you doubt about this, or if there are other things that you think you should confess and apologize, please be sure to do it well. In the morning tell your husband that you have to communicate him something important and ask him to come early in the evening, at a certain time. Cook a nice meal and create a romantic atmosphere. It is important to be alone. During that meal tell him how much you love him, how much you value his love and ask forgiveness again for everything you’ve done wrong. Tell him that you’ve asked forgiveness from God, that you have received forgiveness and that you entered the New Covenant, and urge him to do the same thing as you begin to build your marriage with God and according to His will. Regardless of how your spouse responds to this act continue to do well. If you have offended your spouse’s parents, it is right and necessary to go to them and apologize, do not try to justify yourself or accuse them again. Just go and apologize to them and start to treat them properly, with respect.
4. Behave with wisdom and learn God’s Word
Do not mention any of his sins nor yours addressed to him, but start to live well and to do good to your husband, as you learn from the Scriptures. Get the inductive Bible study course “Marriage without regrets” by Kay Arthur and study it carefully trying to do as God teaches you in the Bible. I urge you to find the movie “Fireproof”. This film presents a similar situation when a marriage was about destruction and how a man who wanted to listen to the advice of the Scriptures was able to restore the beautiful relationship with his wife. I also suggest you to have patience, to do what is right and let God work. Find a church where the sound doctrine of the Word of God is preached and where people make effort to live according to this doctrine and start to attend that church.
5. Pray and fast
If you look at what you’ve done or what you are able to do now, you will have occasions just for despair. Start to look at God, to learn from Him and put your trust in Him. Pray systematically for the restoration of the relationship with your husband. Establish a day a week or when you decide to fast and pray specifically for this reason. God help you so.
Translated by Felicia Rotaru