I have been listening to your sermons for a long time, and now I have a question about our marriage. My husband get very angry with me for nothing and is a man who gets angry very quickly. His outbursts of anger started with a day or two, then moved on to weeks, then months, and now it’s years. Last year maybe there were 20 days out of the whole 365 days he talked to me. This has been repeated for 25 years. He also doesn’t talk to his only three sisters and a brother for over 8 years, he doesn’t talk to my parents for 20 years, with the pastor of the church for over 10 years, neighbors and the list goes on. If someone tells him something he doesn’t like he gets offended or stops talking to that person for a long time or forever. When he is angry with me, he totally avoids me, he does not eat in my presence. After I cook, he doesn’t come to eat until I go to another room from the kitchen, he doesn’t want to sleep with me, he pulls to the edge of the bed so that he doesn’t touch me, when he passes me in the house, he turns his back so not to see me. If he really needs to communicate with me, he’ll leave a note for me somewhere to see. He also has problems with pornography, I caught him many times and the excuse is that all his life he had the problem with lust for other women, but as long as he doesn’t physically go after them, he thinks it’s not a problem. Because of this and the endless anger, I decided to move to another room to avoid divorce and raise our children together. His problem is that in the few days a year he talks to me, he wants a lot of sex, but for 2 years I told him that I no longer want to have sex with a man who acts as if he doesn’t know me and stays angry with me for months and years. He has been doing this for many years: when he was angry, he didn’t want sex, then when his anger passed, he wanted as much as possible. It’s the same cycle that repeats itself and I end up feeling like a rag, which he uses when he wants, then throws in a corner until his anger passes again. We both grew up in Christian families, got married in church and still call ourselves Christians, but what kind of Christian life is that? My husband also has good qualities. He works, he is good with the children, although he started to get angry with them too, so that he doesn’t communicate for a few days. He doesn’t beat me, he tried once and I told him that next time I’ll call the police and he hasn’t done it since. I talked to him a lot about the verse in Ephesians 4:26, but he understands that this verse is not for people of this generation. I have not told anyone about our situation in detail. My parents know a little, but no details. I prayed for many years for the Lord to remove this unclean spirit of anger, which took away everything I had once had in marriage, but I saw no result. I’m not perfect either, he accuses me of not keeping the house as clean as he would like, he accuses me of loving my parents too much, which is not true, and that I don’t want sex on the few days a year when he talks to me. Because he spends months in a row refusing any contact with me, he has become like a stranger to me. I want to know that he loves me in order to sleep with him. He shows so much hatred in the months of anger that I can no longer accept sleeping with him. I proposed to him that when he gives up anger for good, not just 10 days a year and promises to give up pornography, then I will agree to share the same bed as a wife and husband. I would like so much to rebuild the relationship, but with tears in my eyes I say that I see no hope and yet I do not want a divorce for biblical reasons. All my hope and joy is in the faith I have in God and by no means do I want to lose my salvation. This is my highest goal on this earth. My question is how to do it, is it possible not to have a relationship with my husband, but to continue the relationship with God? Thank you in the name of the Lord for everything you do and may He reward you with eternal life.
Dear sister, even if you did not ask me to answer you in private, I have been undecided for a long time if I have to write an article to answer or answer you in private. I thought, however, that there are many families who are going through the same spiritual illness and I pray that this article will bring them the necessary solutions and they will be able to rebuild their relationship. I decided to change certain things in the message, to be as less personal as possible, but the problem should remain well illustrated in detail, so that those who cause such suffering and those who have to endure it can be found and then be able to follow the advice I will give to find peace in Christ Jesus.
It’s not good that you let so much time go by
The fact that the husband has been behaving like this for 25 years is an extremely bad thing and the fact that you have been silent so far and you have not called for solutions has made him strengthen this attitude, and it will not be easy for him to get out of it . You see, when he tried to hit you once, if you said you would call the police, he learned and more was not repeated. This would be the case with anger, if you take the necessary steps that I will write about below. Be warned, all women and men who live with a partner who behaves this way. Don’t let time pass. The problems themselves are not solved, they only get worse. You have to act and do it wisely.
It is not good that you have separated in another room and avoid sexual relations with your husband
By moving to another room and refusing to have sex, you are just behaving like him. Without realizing it, you have taken over his methods of manipulation and you will only get worse. Stop doing this. Sexual relations are marital duty and Scripture says very clearly:
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NASB)
The man’s anger is not a reason to refuse the intimate relationship, but it was good that you told him how you feel since he asks you to have sex and then ignores you for months. You need to go back to your bedroom, sleep together and not dodge the intimate relationship, even if this is the case now and you find it difficult to have sex with him. But don’t just stop at this…
Stick to the calling to be a proper helper to your husband
When he decided to create the woman…
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18 NASB)
Your husband needs help not only with cooking, washing clothes and cleaning the house. He needs you in order to be able to overcome this anger and his addiction to pornography. You must be determined and help him out of these sins in which he was caught.
Tell him you want to help him and you will take action
Prepare to urgently have a discussion only with him and in that discussion tell him that his spiritual condition is grave and the family relationship has reached its lowest point. Prepare to show him Bible verses about his anger and addiction to pornography, and then tell him that you want him to repent and live beautifully from now on, as God requires. If he does not want to do this, then at his first manifestation of anger like the one you described or evidence of pornography, you will go to the pastor and tell him, so that the pastor can intervene and help him rise from his serious sins in which he lives. I guess he’s going to tell you that he doesn’t need a pastor, that the pastor can’t help him and all sorts of “arguments” that I assume you’ve heard all these years. Do not conform to them, but tell him that God has made him a pastor and it is his duty to get involved and you will call on the spiritual authority placed by God to shepherd you and give you spiritual guidance.
Given that the problem is an old one, you need to realize that it will not be easy to overcome and you will face a lot of opposition from your husband. But do not give up in any way, but
When there is a new outburst of anger, go to the pastor and talk to him, explain the situation in detail, as you wrote to me, and ask the pastor to intervene and talk to your husband, to help him straighten out and in this way for you to have peace and quiet in your family.
What to expect?
Ideally, the husband should repent in the first discussion. But, I think too little to do this, given how much he has hardened in all these years since behaving like this. Therefore, be prepared to be threatened with divorce or I don’t know what else, but don’t give up. Tell him that in his condition now you cannot live a happy life and he cannot expect salvation if he lives as a heathen. Also tell him that you want to be a real help to him and help him get out of this state. Expect the possibility that he will leave home for a while. If this is his choice, wait patiently and pray that God will work. Put aside fasting days, and it is good to appeal to his brothers, parents, to all others who know these problems he has, to all pray and fast and wait patiently until God works a true repentance in this man’s life.
Arm yourself with a lot of patience, because a strong spiritual battle is waiting for you ahead and you have to put up this fight in order to save your husband and family.
I pray that God will help you and give your husband true repentance so that he will receive the peace of Christ and not be obsessed with this anger, for it is written:
“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:30–32 NASB)
Translated by Olya Trikolich