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Question:
I have been married for one year, and I go with my husband to church every Sunday.We had no intimate relationship before marriage to anyone.We have decided this, knowing that God is commanding it, and we wanted to start the marriage led by Him, but things do not work well. Exactly in this area, the only one I could not know before marriage, I feel that we do not fit. My husband is a good man with many qualities, and we get along well in general, but almost every time I fall asleep crying after the intimate moments because I do not feel good, everything ends very fast, I do not feel enough affection, and the worst is, that my husband does not even notice this. Although he knows what I like, I openly communicate with him, he does not understand anything, and the next time it happens the same way. I also read Christian books, we prayed for it, but the situation is the same. For the rest of the day I feel the lack of affection. He loves me, but in his own way, not as I understand love.We are different in this asspect, and he does not understand me. Before I knew him, I prayed a lot for a good husband, and I thought he was the one God put in the way, but now I do not feel the same anymore. But there is a problem. During this time, when I felt lacking of physical and emotional affection and so disappointed with my husband and God, I came to fall in love with another boy. Involuntarily, I see him every day at work, and I come to talk to him at a level that I have never reached with my husband. It’s like I am talking with me; he is reading me so well, and I am reading him, too. I feel we understand each other perfectly, and I did not feel it for anyone before. I did not even know it could get so far. He loves me a lot; he told me to do what I think would make me happy, and if I choose to be with him, he would support me in all, and we would marry. Of course I did not have intimate relationships with this boy, but I realize he’s more tender and affectionate than my husband. But how can I divorce? It is, in the end, a covenant made before God. And anyway, I feel guilty because I look at another boy when I’m married. But I feel that nothing makes sense without him. I told my parents about it. They hurried to argue with me, to heavily convince me, and they did not understand me at all. I had long talks with my husband, but nothing has changed. He’s more affectionate to me just because I told him I’d need that much more. I am caught in a huge problem. I know it’s a sin to divorce, I don’t want to ruin the relationship with my parents, I am sorry to leave my husband, but on the other hand I can not stop everything I feel for my colleague. I love him very much, and I feel he’s already like a part of me. I can not imagine my life without him. I do not know what to do: to divorce or not, but in this situation, I am not happy at all. Besides my parents, I can not tell anyone what I’m going through, but they do not understand me. Please help me. I really need it.
I was sad to read this message. I ask the Lord that you will understand the advice I will give you from the Holy Scriptures and live according to it.
The intimate relationship is one that needs to be built
One year is too little time to say your marriage did not succeed. An intimate relationship is one that must be built as any other relationship, and the fact that you have certain frustrations in this relationship does not mean that they can not be overcome. You did well that you spoke to your husband, and you said to him openly, but I think something you did not communicate well or not to the end, since he does not understand and does not change things. Especially that he is a good and quiet man. If so, then he will want to make you happy with him.You see somehow that all this dissatisfaction in the intimate relationship that you present so often are not the reason for becoming passive in this relationship. In the Bible it is written:
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.(1 Corinthians 7:3)(NASB)
The duty of marriage in this context is to bring joy and fulfillment to your husband, and this implies the appreciations the husband needs. If he hears only criticism and dissatisfaction, it can make him no longer have physical attraction or even fear the intimate relationship as an area where he always misses. See how well you have not done this and analyze how well how you speak, because it is written:
A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4)(NASB)
The power and sexual behavior of your husband will be greatly influenced by the words you say.
Have a thankful heart
Do not think that the other couples are not experiencing difficulties in their intimate relationship. In life there are different situations and circumstances, which can negatively affect the intimate relationship of the spouses. It really means a lot when you learn to be thankful for what you have. Thus has the wise Solomon written :
All the days of the afflicted are bad, but a cheerful heart has a continual feast.(Proverbs 15:15)(NASB)
When a man is not satisfied with what he has, this state of dissatisfaction in his heart makes all his days bad, and the one who has a cheerful heart has a continual feast. Who offers the feast? God does, and he does it also through the people who see him with a thankful and grateful heart. This is also the case in the sexual relationship. If you are always dissatisfied with what God has given to you through the husband that He has given you, all you have to do is see and feel always miserable.When you change your heart’s attitude, you will learn to be thankful. I’m sure God will bless you to have the fulfillment and joy you expect from the intimate relationship because God is the one who makes the two fit so to be able to offer to one another. Sexual fulfillment also comes from God.
Even if it were told about the material state, the following words of the apostle Paul apply as a principle to the intimate relationship between spouses:
But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.(1 Timothy 6:6-10)(NASB)
If you are not satisfied with the fulfillment you have from your sexual relationship with your husband, this dissatisfaction has made you fall into temptation and many foolish and harmful lusts; you let yourself be attracted to the man at work until you have already made love declarations to each other. This is adultery, and it is very serious because God says:
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)(NASB)
The feeling that you let grow in your heart for that man is not love, but it is a reckless and hurtful craving that dishonors marriage and defiles the bed. That is, it defames the sexual relationship you only have with your husband, for he has made a covenant before God, and God is watching this covenant. Do not be deceived or believe that you can be happy if you divorce and marry this man, for God will judge the fornicators and adulterers.You will be punished, and by having sex with that man, you will attract the punishment of God also upon him. By allowing you to work together, God wanted you to be a fragrance of Christ’s knowledge for all of your colleagues and for that man. But what are you now? You are a cause of stumbling, for they do not want to come to Christ for your sake, and they speak evil of the way of salvation. How do you expect to be happy after all this? The words I will quote were addressed by God to adulterous men, and now they fully apply to you also. Read carefully and remember:
“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” (Malachi 2:13-16)(NASB)
What should you do now?
Stop criticizing your husbund or showing him that you are dissatisfied with him. Bring the problem before God and tell Him also about the need to be fulfilled in the intimate relationship, because He said:spus:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.(Philippians 4:6-7)(NASB)
If He said that in anything to bring His petitions to Him, then this also includes the need for fulfillment in the intimate relationship. Before you have this fulfillment, you will receive the peace of God that surpasses all human understanding and brings the greatest fulfillment a man needs.
If you need to talk to him about certain things you expect, tell him, but do so with all respect and appreciation so that he can hear and understand you.
You may also need to ask for help the pastor of the church you belong to.When a Christian woman from the church came to tell me about a similar problem, I gave her the same advice I wrote here and told her that unless there was a change, then tell the husband that she wishes to have a discussion with him It is interesting that, after having talked at home, that woman never came again, and for a long time she said that the problem was fully solved and she enjoys her husband.
When another couple came up with a similar problem, I realized that it was a disease, and I turned that woman’s husband to a doctor, so it was an infection that was not treated and caused the problems that caused her discomfort. After the specialist doctor prescribed the necessary treatment, they had no problems.
I write to you all these, to see if the things apply to you, but do it with peace and good understanding in a manner worthy of saints.
I would like at the end to give you very important advice that Paul gave to Timothy, after warning him of the danger of dissatisfaction with the state and circumstances in which you are. After telling him that this dissatisfaction can get you into temptation and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction, he gave him the following exhortation:
But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.(1 Timothy 6:11-12)(NASB)
You also should follow this advice. Flee from adultery and evil and pursue the holy things; do all you can to take hold of the eternal life.The happiness of the saints is not limited by the sexual relationship or other things that bring fulfillment on this earth.The happiness of the saints is prepared by God in His Kingdom, and nothing can be compared to it. Seek to grasp eternal life.
Get the courses “Marriage without regrets” and “The truth about sex” by Kay Arthur, because these are exceptional inductive biblical studies by which you will learn the wisdom of God to know how to flee from the temptations of Satan and enjoy the intimate relationship in marriage.
Also there is something else…You need to get yourself away from your present workplace so you avoid seeing the man you left, to be tempted. Stop any relationship with him, for in his person, Satan has spread a raid to destroy you. Give no opportunity to the devil, for he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking to devour you and lead you to everlasting destruction.
Translated by Ina Croitoru