Once, after I have spoken to a group of men about the danger of immorality and pornography, while we were having the break, one of them came to me and asked me what the reason was that he had sexual dreams where he was defeated by passion and commited adultery. He told me that he had never looked at pronography or other things that would have incited his sexual passions since he was a Christian. Even the appearance of that man was very stressful and his face expressed an inner tension that tortured him. I answered him that undoubtfully it must exist a source or a reason that provoked such kind of dreams to him because the Bible says that “the dream comes through much effort”. I advised him to do a review of his life to identify the reason of those dreams. In some days he wanted to have a discussion with me again when he told me the story of his life and in that way I understood the cause of the problem he confronted with, namely that he was manipulated sexually by his wife. This problem is common among couples and unless it is solved it leads to great problems, conflicts, infidelity and divorce at last. I was led by the Spirit of God to write this article to help people to identify if they manipulate or are manipulated and then to find out solutions to remove this great evil from their married relationship.
What is sexual manipulation?
Miriam-Webster Dictionary gives the following definition:
MANIPULATE vb. tr. a: to manage or utilize skillfully b: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage 3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.
When we talk about sexual manipulation of the marriage partner we refer to handling or training by artful, psychical means of husband or wife, or to actions or lack of action that serve to one’s purpose and abuse the needs and feelings of the manipulated part.
An actual case of sexual manipulatipon
The man that asked for my advise told me that after his wedding his wife refused to have sexual relations saying that she was afraid of the pains that she would have on defloration, when the the membrane of the hymen would be torn as a result of the first sexual relation. She told him that she had a special constitution of the genital parts, that she cannot pass by the fear, etc. The husband tried to show her love and attention waiting until she would overcome that unreasoned fear. But she abused to the point that her defloration took place only in a year of their married life. All this time she accepted to be sexually fondled by her husband so that she might have felt well and fulfilled, but she didn’t care about the tension that he was experiencing. After defloration the things didn’t go any better, she continues to manipulate in the same way. She says that she experiences pains every time they make love. When the husband proposed her to go to the doctor to solve the problem, she refused categorically. She feels herself fulfilled, manipulates and doesn’t care about the sexual and emotional needs of her husband and about the tension he experiences, since at night he commits adultery with other women in his dreams. If she doesn’t come to her senses and doesn’t stop to manipulate, no one can assure her that her husband would not commit physical adultery soon. This woman doesn’t realize that…
Having sexual relations with the husband or wife is a holy duty
When Christians from Corint, a very immoral and dissipated city asked Apostle Paul how their sexual behavior in married life should be since they are Christians, he wrote to them that:
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:1–3)(NASB)
I draw the reader’s attention that the fulfilment of sexual need of the marriage partner is a holy duty let by God. In the book of Proverbs God says to a young man that is not married yet about the way he has to report sexually to his future wife and he writes this way:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. (Proverbs of Solomon 5:18–19)(NASB)
In the cited passage there are many imperatives that show that it is a responsability of the husband to rejoice in his wife and in this way to have sexual fulfilment. This thing is so important that God set free each newly married man to go to the war, for the simple reason that he had to fulfill and to build up a beautiful relation with his wife. Here is what this law says:
When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken. (Deuteronomy 24:5)(NASB)
Of course, this law doesn’t refer only to the sexual domain of the relation of these two, but to this aspect too. I think that there are sufficient proofs of the Holy Scriptures that show that having sexual relation that offers fulfilment to the partner is the duty of each wife or husband.
Neither the husband nor the wife have the right to abuse from the sexual relation
In a marriage, there will always be one of the spouses that will want more than the other one to have sexual relations. Usually this is the man but not always and not for the whole life. Ussually there are cases when the other one, that doesn’t have the same great passion evades from sexual relation telling different reasons or they even use it to control in an evil direction and to abuse. If there appears a little conflict, then she/he refuses to have sexual relations or they call forth any other reason, it may be that she/he is tired, etc. This thing is a direct infringement of God’s will when He said:
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:4–5)(NASB)
No one feels well to beg the sexual relation from his or her wife or husband, because this makes one feel bad. That’s why don’t ever let you marriage partner to come to the point to beg from you this relation. When the husband issues you the first invitation accept it with delight and go to rejoice in him and to offer him joy with passion. When you feel that your wife wants intimacy, be wise and issue the invitation being full of passion and admiration for her. This is God’s plan who wants to be a permanent love full of passion and affection between husband and wife. This love offers protection, fulfilment and joy. If you have realized that you manipulate your husband or wife sexually stop to do this thing! If you think that you are manipulated it is important to discuss this subject with your husband or wife and to have patience until he/she understands. Don’t ignore the problem by any mean because it will grow up and in this way Satan will tempt you because of your lack of self-control. This can cause a disaster. May God protect all couples against sexual manipulation, that is a conspiracy of Satan.
Translated by Djugostran Felicia