Русский
Română
Español
Question:
I have a question about a delicate subject. The question is about parent/teen relationships. If a father claims to be faithful to God yet, acts very harshly toward his daughter when she makes mistakes, is that man really being faithful to God? Even if the man’s children are not believers, should he not try to win them to Christ by his own personal example of faith? Please help me understand, are my father’s Biblical convictions correct if they cause him to deal harshly with me? I am a teenaged student and sometimes I act impulsively. I freely admit that. In fact, I inherited my impulsive nature from my father. He claims to be a believer for a long time, but, if I disagree with him on a matter, or, if I make a mistake, he does not respond in a Christ-like manner. My father uses harsh words with me and constantly points out my flaws and short-comings. He is angry and demonstrates his anger in words and actions. He has even struck me. He considers himself a believer because he reads the Bible, prays, and teaches the Bible to others yet, when he is home behind closed doors, he is often angry and blames others for his fits of rage, saying that he acts the way he does because he is provoked to do so. After a blow up of anger, he realizes what he has done, asks for forgiveness, but, after a while, he falls right back into the pattern of perpetual anger. His excuse is that we will only be perfect once we are in heaven so this is just the ways things are on this earth. If I mention the fact that I would like to speak to a church leader about this situation, he threatens me, that he will no longer give money to me for school. He also says that “normal” people do not get others involved in family matters. I just need some help. I feel like I need to share this with someone who can give practical, spiritual advice to me. I no longer trust my father because, for a period of time, he changes his ways but then, he falls back into the same old patterns. He often lashes out when I least expect it. I pray for my family. I also pray for my father. Changes occur, but, they are short lived. When I was a child, he dealt very harshly with me. He beat me. Now that I am a teen and I can fight back with my own arguments, he blames me and calls me rebellious. He sees the fault in me but none in himself. I admit, for a time, I was a very rebellious teen until I surrendered my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. Now that I am a believer, I do not and cannot understand why my father acts the way that he does, while claiming to be a follower of Christ. Is it normal for a father to treat his daughter this way? As I wrote earlier, he constantly points out my faults, speaks very harsh words to me, and is just down right mean to me. When I get angry at him and act out of that anger causing him to get angry, is that an excuse for his actions? How can I follow his example of faith if that example is a poor example? I feel like he is playing psychological games with me. I remember him doing the same things to my mother when I was a child. He demands that I respect him, no matter how he acts or treats me. He is controlled by anger. If he were controlled by alcohol, I would not expect any less behavior, but he is not. He seems to be given over to anger. As he claims to be a believer, I would expect to see Christ in him but, I do not. I am even afraid to form a relationship with a Christian man upon fear that he will claim to follow Christ and then end up being a hypocrite like my father. As I said, my father knows how a Christian should act, theoretically, but, in practice, he falls far short. I fear that I will marry a man like my father and end up facing the same dilemma for the rest of my life. I have heard that there are many men like this. They put on a front for the rest of the world to see but, in reality, behind closed doors, they act like my father. I desperately need some advice. I no longer have strength to keep living like this. I pray to the Lord for changes and for help. Thank in advance for your insights.
It is definitely not good to have such a tense relationship with your father. Both of you need to put forth effort to change your situation and your relationship with each other. The Word of God has great advice for both of you. In the letter that you wrote to me, there are many questions that you have asked. I will try to respond to each of them in the order that they are found in the message.
If a father claims to be faithful to God yet, acts very harshly toward his daughter when she makes mistakes, is that man really being faithful to God?
Yes, I do believe that your father is a believer. It is not okay that he treats you so harshly but, it is normal for a father to teach his children to obey authority figures such as himself. This is what the Bible teaches all fathers to do with all of their children.
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise ),
3 SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. (Ephesians 6:1-3)
It is also written…
Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. (Colossians 3:20)
While teaching children obedience, a father should not deal harshly with his children. In fact, if the child is living in submission to the authority of his or her father, there is a direct command in the Bible, to the father, not to deal harshly with the children.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Parents have been given the responsibility to discipline their children as they instruct them in the ways of the Lord. As parents discipline, they must be careful not to provoke their children. Provoke means to push the child’s buttons in order to produce anger in the child. Based on your message to me, your father is aware of your actions. He does not ignore you and that is a good thing. He does want the best for you and he demonstrates that he cares for you.
Even if the man’s children are not believers, should he not try to win them to Christ by his own personal example of faith?
It is true, a father should set a positive example of faith for his children through his actions and teachings. One thing that stands out to me in what you wrote. I feel like you want your father to live up to the standard of a believer yet, you do not have the same standard for yourself. If you were to live up to your role as a child, that is, to live in humbleness and obedience, without rebelling, then many of the conflicts would have been avoided. Even when you disagree with your father on certain issues, you need to share your views with respect, being careful to honor him as your father by your attitude and the words that you use. The fact that your father struck you is not a good thing, but, make sure that your rebellious attitude was not the root cause of his actions. I am sure that if you learn to speak calmly and respectfully to your father, your relationship with him will change considerably. Read the following words and take them to heart.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute. (Proverbs 15:18)
Learn to respond in gentleness.
He considers himself a believer because he reads the Bible, prays, and teaches the Bible to others yet, when he is home behind closed doors, he is often angry and blames others for his fits of rage, saying that he acts the way he does because he is provoked to do so. After a blow up of anger, he realizes what he has done, asks for forgiveness, but, after a while, he falls right back into the pattern of perpetual anger. His excuse is that we will only be perfect once we are in heaven so this is just the ways things are on this earth.
It is not good that you, or your father, blame others when you act out of anger. Please read the following words carefully:
BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
When anger rears its head, you must learn to control it. You must be careful about the words that you use if and when you are angry because with our words, we can easily provoke others. If your father uses the excuse that we are not going to be mature until we get to heaven, then he is wrong and needs to read the following words carefully:
“Therefore you are to be perfect (mature), as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:48)
If and when your father asks for forgiveness, that is a very good thing. You need to forgive him every single time. You should also learn to admit your wrong doings and ask for forgiveness from your father and for anyone against whom you sin.
Here is what Jesus teaches on the subject of forgiveness:
Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed.So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18)
Obey the words of Christ in the above passage. Forgive people as often as they ask for it and be quick to ask for forgiveness when you have done wrong.
If I mention the fact that I would like to speak to a church leader about this situation, he threatens me, that he will no longer give money to me for school. He also says that “normal” people do not get others involved in family matters. I just need some help. I feel like I need to share this with someone who can give practical, spiritual advice to me.
I am not sure why your father does not want you to speak to a spiritual leader about this subject. This is the purpose of spiritual leaders, to help people overcome relational difficulties and be reconciled for the glory of God. Talk to your father once again and let him know that the spiritual leaders are here to serve people, especially in situations like this.
Is it normal for a father to treat his daughter this way? As I wrote earlier, he constantly points out my faults, speaks very harsh words to me, and is just down right mean to me. When I get angry at him and act out of that anger causing him to get angry, is that an excuse for his actions? How can I follow his example of faith if that example is a poor example?
It is normal for a father to discipline his children, especially when they make mistakes. This is what the Word of God teaches.
A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding Than a hundred blows into a fool. (Proverbs 17:10)
May the Lord help you be a wise daughter, allowing your father’s discipline to penetrate deep into your heart, give you understanding, and transform your life. This definitely will help restore your relationship with him and may even keep him from having to use harsh words.
The same standard that you set for your father needs to be same standard that you set for yourself. Do not be tough on him and lax on yourself when it comes to God’s high standard. Just like it is not okay for your father to be controlled by anger, it is not okay for you to be controlled by anger. Since you are still under your father’s roof, realize all that he does for you on a daily basis. Just based on that fact, you should never allow yourself to lash out at your father in anger or speak with him arrogantly using disrespectful words. Do not allow yourself to be conformed to the pattern of this word, a world under the control of Satan, where things are turned upside down to the point where children have their “rights” without any responsibilities and parents are questioned about everything that they do. Follow the clear teachings of the Word of God which tell us to honor our fathers and mothers so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. Even if your father does not leave an example worthy to be followed, do not use that as an excuse for your own bad behavior. Look to the Lord Jesus Christ as the ultimate example. Follow His example so that other teens who end up in the same situation as you, can follow your example of faithfulness as your follow Christ. Honor your parents by obeying them and speaking highly of them in their presence and also in their absence.
I feel like he is playing psychological games with me. I remember him doing the same things to my mother when I was a child. He demands that I respect him, no matter how he acts or treats me. He is controlled by anger.
As he claims to be a believer, I would expect to see Christ in him but, I do not.
Again, you must respect your father. That is a clear teaching in the Word of God. Do you really think that things would be easier if he were a drunk instead of a man controlled by anger? Praise the Lord that he is not a drunk and learn to respect him now, no matter what. God speaks to wives who have husbands who do not believe and, He gives the wives a word of encouragement on how they can win their husbands to Christ. This advice would definitely help you in your situation with your dad.
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external -braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. (I Peter 3)
If wives are commanded to treat their husbands this way, even more so, children need to submit to their fathers with chaste and respectful behavior, which is precious in the sight of God.
I am even afraid to form a relationship with a Christian man upon fear that he will claim to follow Christ and then end up being a hypocrite like my father. As I said, my father knows how a Christian should act, theoretically, but, in practice, he falls far short. I fear that I will marry a man like my father and end up facing the same dilemma for the rest of my life.
It is true that there are men who act this way. But, do not be deceived, there are plenty of women who also act the same way. I understand why you would have reservations when it comes to marriage because of the tumultuous relationship with your father.
If you want to marry a godly man, how do you think that man would feel if he saw the way that you and your father currently treat each other?
I pray that the Lord will help you learn to build a good relationship with your father as you learn to be submissive to his authority in your life. I also pray that your father will raise you up in the ways of the Lord, not provoking you to anger.
I would also like to recommend that you study the Bible daily, and I especially advise you to study the course “One day a marriage without regrets” by Kay Arthur or “Marriage without regrets” by the same author. These courses will help you form a biblical understanding of the roles of man and woman in marriage, and a lesson in both courses is reserved exclusively to the topic of communication. May the Lord help you!